Beloved this is a prime example of why I sensed G-d calling me to this blog, Ancient Paths and Sacred Passages…translated: G-d’s Way is the Ancient Paths (Jer. 6:16), and Sacred Passages are the painful life moments that are rich in heavenly wisdom. The pain and the resulting transformation become so sacred to us. No one else can truly appreciate or honor our heartaches, our tears, like G-d. No one else “gets us” like He does. But when we give space to these “life moments” before the altar of G-d, the Cross of Christ, they transcend and become such productive Passages in our Journey with Christ and our transformation into the reflection of His Image.
In this past season I saw where there was a sly working of the enemy and as I prayed for our divine appointment in order to share my experiences, it is my hope of sparing some, or sharing G-d’s Life Light a little from what I am learning. I felt confident that G-d would connect me with those who needed, like myself to be more aware of how the enemy was waging his warfare and how I had been responding, even responding so poorly to what I had created in the flesh and what the enemy was using of my weakness to try to further my missteps, my sins. I was SOOO on the slippery slope it was not funny then, but now there is the nervous giggle that creeps up! So very grateful to be on the other side of my mess! Praise G-d, He pulled me out of the slimy pit and put my feet back on His Firm Foundation (Ps 40:2)…
As I was reflecting on this past season, the events and the people encounters that I experienced, how I didn’t handled them as well as I would have hoped, I’m being kind to myself here. It was as if at points the images were so allegorical in their make up; deeply meaningful images to who I have been, what I have been doing. Its odd in a funny way that my nose is just above my mouth, yet I’m not aware of my own bad breath, and it wasn’t until G-d squeezed me like a tube of toothpaste through this sudden upheaval of my life and gave me such rich and meaningful images like: utter exhaustion, carrying heavy objects uphill, sleep deprived and a dream like sensation. At one point my daughter who was with me at the time as we were dragging these heavy objects uphill and suffering from the sleep deprivation, commented that the look on my face was “terror and agony”..and I thought, “wow, that’s really spot on to how I am feeling!” If she hadn’t drawn my attention to my countenance, I would have never known that I was manifesting “terror and agony” because so much was happening on the inside of me. Later when I was reflecting on this Sacred Passage it wasn’t hard to see the allegory. We were dragging heavy objects up hill, in unknown territory/a neighborhood I deemed unsafe as well as unknown to myself, sleep deprived, utterly exhausted, and it kept repeating over a 4 day period, just to make the point clear. I felt that I was dehydrated physically and spiritually (without the refreshing of the Water of the Word over a four day period).
The physical dehydration probably lent itself to that sensation of the dream like state...and it was coming at a time when my livelihood was completely in flux. I just suddenly lost my job. I felt so adrift in not knowing how I (not G-d) was going to make up those lost finances. It just felt like everything was an exhausting burden. My only “joy” was my time with G-d and for four days that was blocked by the complete upheaval in my schedule due to a “quest visiting”. I knew it was the end of a season/chapter in my life…the job ending suddenly. I had no time to prepare. I was blind-sided,and there was something vague about how I saw myself/my “identity”through my daily responsibilities that was being uprooted and nothing solid was being promised to replace it. My life situation was completely open ended and without resolve at all. There was also silence from G-d as I prayed on the run, and I say on the run because my sacred prayer space was blocked to me during this time temporarily. Plus, I was grieving the loss of someone very very dear to me who was moving on in their lives without me and I, without them; this was a part of my job loss. I struggled with grieving that loss daily. To say it was all surreal, is completely understated. All I kept saying was, “I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from underneath me!” Too many “pillared areas” of my life were toppled over (comfort zones and the daily familiar) and so suddenly. And I hadn’t a clue which direction I needed to move toward, other than I so needed my time with G-d in order to sense His heart of Peace and His Lordship over my life at an even deeper level. After the “quest visit” ended and I was able to reclaim my time and space with G-d, I journaled like my pen was on fire. It took 3 weeks for my life to find its bearings again. G-d was able to make His way known to me, and He rebuked me rather strongly. Pulling me up short that it was ALWAYS His intention, His desire to give me help from the beginning when I first took on that former job position 2 years earlier. But my pride would have none of it. I felt I made the commitment, it wasn’t even on my radar to ask for help. And I wouldn’t have quit, because quitting just isn’t in my definition of possessing a Noble Heart, though I can clearly see now (funny how that is!), that this was pride at its worst. The definition I memorized for “pride” years ago, was “I don’t need anyone’s help I can do it myself”, whereas “arrogance” had to do with being “superior to others”. I was clearly in pride and people pleasing. But G-d rerouted me, and the new job position came with confirmations and His Peace. Though the commitment I was making to the new employment was going to be more rigorous, more physically and emotionally demanding I felt it was the right path to take. AFTER I made the commitment, G-d sent help and I welcomed the help this time, learning the lesson of true humility, so that the riggers and the demands are actually far less than the previous position I held before the bottom dropped out.
But back to the allegory portion of the transition which was definitely an awesome thing of G-d. Replaying the images of what that time was like and how I even got into that situation was beyond my capacity to figure out. But as I prayed into it for Wisdom from the Lord, and based on the biblical definition of Heavenly Wisdom: “Wisdom gained by actual and costly experiences”, I saw the power of the images: walking up hill with truly heavy burdens, sleep deprived, in unknown/unsafe (in my eyes) territory, having the look of terror and agony on my countenance, dehydrated, it was so reflective of what I had sown and was reaping as someone full of pride and a people pleaser. And it culminated, as if it was the end of a chapter in my life and this was the epic final exam. The symbolism was so clear and concise, even down to the loss of income. I had nothing to show for all that I thought I had given to that past position…not a dime in savings…complete and utter exhaustion of all my own strength and resources. The passage of scripture that was calling out to me was 1 Peter 5:10 (AMPC)
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you.
It felt as if the suffering I had been going through was definitely showing me the “cost” of my pride and people pleasing…and being sleep deprived, exhausted from carrying heavy burdens up hill, in unknown/unsafe (in my eyes) territory, dehydrated, suffering losses both of income and of someone so dear, just left me too vulnerable to the enemy’s subtle whispers, lies that seemed so real at the time, that the “terror and agony” in my heart was manifesting on my face visibly. I believe the terror part also spoke to needing a fresh infilling of the Love of G-d, that no matter where I walk, even if I find myself outside His Will, He will still protect me, because it wasn’t rebellion. I hadn’t made a decision to actively go against Him, as much as it was caring too much and being drawn away by my pride infused work ethic and caring too much, not keeping life balanced as is warned against in 1 Peter 5:7-9 (AMPC)
Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring, seeking someone to seize upon and devour. Withstand him; be firm in faith [against his onset—rooted, established, strong, immovable, and determined]
Maybe this has happened to you or maybe I’m the only one, but I can sometimes wake during the night from a bad dream and it seems so real that I’m actually anxious from it. I will lay there and “talk myself down from the tree”, to get myself to a place I can go back to sleep. It’s that “all too real horror at night, though purely laughable and slightly loony if I thought that way during the daylight” phenomenon that I was caught up in. But yikes, it was happening during the day and it’s not suppose to happen in the day light, right?!
So, when I was so spiritually, physically, emotionally depleted, at one point I was laying in my bed crying out to the Lord at night, that I knew I was being tested, but even the test wasn’t an open book (bible) test because my bible was locked away. As I re-read this, it seems like a comedy of errors on my part to not prepare better for surprises and to be such a people pleaser as to give away my sacred space and lock away all my revered spiritual elements, to make room for a visitor, but that so much screams of my people pleasing ways! I wouldn’t give a thought to how “me, Tess”, is a person who can’t survive, even one day without my non-negotiable time with G-d. He is my Air, my Dearest Love. But when I felt like I was being upended in this blind-sided, sudden test, sure as shooting I was a hot mess. And this lovely train wreck was all too open to listen to the voice of the enemy. The passage of scripture that came to me was how the enemy came to Christ in the wilderness after He was weakened by fasting for 40 days in a harsh environment. It was all about my identity, all about the temptation to secure another employment situation by my own hand, because the bills were simply due at that exact time and I had no financial storehouse to draw from; and my soul was deeply hungry. I wanted desperately to fill the void of the person who was so dear to me, but G-d made it clear I was to Let Go and Let Him take over “the whole” of this multi-faceted situation with all its complexities in which I was knotted up in. 3 weeks later, and with all my bills being paid on time I might add, without my help nor asking others to help me, hands off G-d said! My work position was resolved and the person who I grieving the loss of, oddly was restored to my life, by their own doors closing and G-d rerouting them back. But this time our relationship had taken on greater love, meaning and healthy boundaries, and G-d blessed with additional support on the job for both of us. Looking back it was as if everything was out of joint up until that point and I was doing everything in my own strength, even though I was positive the position wasn’t of my own making. But G-d had led me to that position 2 years previously and I believe that it was Him initially, but once I was in the position I just took over and that’s when the trouble, the heavy burdens took their uphill toll. Beloved, I believe as I am looking back, that you can be called to a position, but I should have kept rolling the cares of that position back on G-d. I should have been aware of MY spiritual, physical and emotional needs and kept these in front of G-d and myself daily. I just wasn’t taking care of me through it all. It’s a strenuous job to be a care giver, but instead I just kept taking on more of the responsibilities of the position. It wasn’t until G-d pulled the rug out from underneath me and sternly rebuked me at one point saying “If you had just asked Me for help I would have sent you help, but you wouldn’t do it.” It was my Pride, it was my desire to try and handle it because I made a commitment to the position and I didn’t see how deeply caring for someone who was in my care, bound me to them so profoundly that I couldn’t find my way to ask for the help I needed, in order to care for them and me in a better way. G-d cares for all of us, not just those we are called to care for. I’d love to hear from you too. I have had some difficulty with the “reply” clicker on this website not working. Bear with me as they work through the technical issues. It’s my heart to respond. I “just have to be patient”, they say…yikes, I guess that’s another blog.
You can be totally called by G-d but He wants to be the Source of All in your life…no matter what. Look to Him for everything, not just at the beginning of the calling, but everyday, in every area. “Pray about everything, worry about nothing.”
There’s no room for Pride or “Me” providing, “Me” doing all the “heavy lifting” in life. G-d provides Help, if we ask…”You have not, because you ask not”. Help is not a luxury, it enables long haul assistance.
Pride says “I don’t need any help, I can do this myself…watch for that strong work ethic being infused with a stealthy seed of pride.
“Its all ON me now”, is a lie. Cast your cares and burdens on Him or the enemy will use the exhaustion as a manipulator. A portal to believe his lies. Be well balanced in all areas of your life…take your pulse (spirit, soul and body) daily, ask yourself how am I doing?
Please know we are praying for you, and I would love the opportunity to minister to you more. Please join me for my daily radio feature “Gentle Whispers”, Monday – Friday at 7:10am, 8:10am, 5:10pm & 6:10pm on Fortress 1230am Harrisburg, Pa and Fortress Internet Christian Radio through the live stream at wkbo.net. You can also start the weekend with me Saturday mornings from 6a – 9a on “Meditations of the Beloved” featuring beautiful reflective, meditative music as well as hourly prophetic Prayer words.